Goodbye

How could I be called strong when my weakness is the reason you left? How could I move on when I could have but didn’t prevent your death? You made up your mind without saying goodbye and while I love you, I wish you hadn’t lied to me when I asked you how you were feeling. You said to me that you were healing but maybe that was just a synonym for keeping it bottled up, locked in, so no one could find it.

So now I find myself wondering if I should’ve read between the lines. I find myself blaming me for not listening right. Even though, I know it is not my fault.

I know this is what you wanted, and I hope you have found peace. I just wish you had talked to me one last time before setting yourself free. I wishI had one more chance to hug you before seeing those blue lights leave. But you’re gone and I’m still in disbelieve.

Journey

Why am I mad?
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Why is it not sad to me that I wanna be alone? Why do I keep pulling myself away from all that I know? Why am I numb? Why am I not done with being on my own? Why do I keep pushing away the people that know when I'm putting on a show.
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I wanna be free of the cage that I put myself in. I wanna turn the key and believe that there's a life to live and people to love behind that door. I wanna go and see places that become my home. I wanna leave and come back with a purpose of my own. I wanna be able to speak my mind and read astrological signs and learn more words to rhyme, so I can finally be my true self.

But, why am I not leaving?

Why am I still grieving over lost time and heartbreak? Why am I not admitting that I can't even think straight? Why am I locking myself in and am still in doubt? Why am I being cold and heartless to those I really care about?

I wanna get up, stay up and leave. I wanna come back to know I have achieved amazing things. I wanna love like there's no tomorrow and I wanna feel how my mind grows. It will take me strength to start my journey and I don't know when I will be ready. But I will be ready.

Change

I have changed.
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I am not who I used to be, I am better. I don't wanna be the 16-year-old me, but I don't regret having been her. I grew with every mistake I made, with every lesson I learned. I appreciate every truth I was told and every lie I was sold. I'm thankful for everyone who ever crossed my path. For everyone who ever made it past my emotional barrier.

Values that defined me back then, I now resent. Opinions I lived by years ago, I now intend to fight against. I used to let people define me. What they thought I was, I became. I used to let them hurt me. I constantly felt ashamed. "Am I being reasonable? Am I overreacting? Is it okay to feel thisway or is it distracting from what's REALLY important?"

Change is good.

It's healing. I do love the feeling of looking back and seeing my growth, seeing the path I chose and finally realizing I'm worth more than what theyled me to believe. It's a journey that broke me and built me back up again.I was hurting but I learned to feel love again. So when I say it's worth it to keep fighting, I mean it.

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Decisions

December 27th, 2020

Every day we make decisions that have an impact on our lives we don't always know the power of. Make sure the decisions you make are because of you. Not because of someone else.

Every day I wake up knowing I will have to decide how to live my life. The smallest choices will affect how I sleep at night. The first decision I make is whether I get up. I sometimes don't. I sometimes fall back asleep. I sometimes crawl back into my dreams. Because the night is my safe place and it's harder to erase my thoughts when I'm awake.

So I sometimes don't get up.

The second decision I make is whether I stay up. I sometimes don't. I sometimes go back to where I feel safest. I sometimes forget that there are real places that make me feel okay. Because my imagination is my safe place and it's harder to erase my mind when I'm awake.

So I sometimes don't stay up.
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I hate that I'm so indecisive, so inconsistent, yet I know that being different is nothing to be ashamed of. Knowing that it's fine and knowing that it's fine are two different things. I know that it's okay to lie in bed when I'm in over my head, but do I know that it's not bad if I sometimes wish I was dead? Feeling and wanting are two different things. I feel that I'm not strong enough to survive but do I really want to end my life? Emotions confuse and sometimes I lose focus on what's real. I might decide to not get up sometimes and I might decide to not stay up at times but every day I decide to live and I love it.

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Lost Control

I lost control again.
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I knew it would happen again but I had hoped that it wouldn't. As always. That hope keeps fading away as quickly as it comes and leaves a glimpse of uncertainty. Uncertainty that makes me want to keep fighting but want to quit. Uncertainty that makes my head ache but keeps my heart awake. Uncertainty that leaves me restless day and night.

I lost control, when will it happen again?
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Another day of hoping and waiting. Another night of tossing and turning. Another life of loving and hurting. I'm losing control again. I can't breathe. Sweat is running down my spine and my cheeks are turning red like blood. I'm counting the seconds because I know it will eventually stop, still I think I'm dying. Hours go by, although it's just minutes. I stop shaking. I can breathe. I know it's over.
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I lost control again.

I start hoping again. I can feel it building up in my chest. Another wave of believing that I can make it stop. Another breeze of feeling like my will is just enough. As always. That hope is fadingaway as quickly as it came and leaves a glimpse of uncertainty.

I lost control, when will it happen again?

A cycle that might wound me but a cycle that won't end me. I'm waiting and I'm ready.

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December 20th, 2020

I wrote this after I had a panic attack for the first time after months. I thought I was done with it but I was wrong. When writing this I realized that it's okay to take a step backwards. As long as you stand up, move forward and don't let go of hope.

Goodbye

Journey

Change

Decisions

Lost Control

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